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Post by muskratthemink on Jun 20, 2015 13:28:52 GMT
*sorry, I keep having ideas* Claude Bastille, "Olympic Gold Medalist Kickboxer" I get paid to kick idiots. Well more specifically, a single idiot, Christian Grey. He runs some big company and pays me very nicely to kick him, repeatedly. I'll never forget the day I met him and he changed my life.
I was working at the Heathman hotel, as a night guard; cruddy pay, shitty hours, night after night of wandering the hallways. Every so often I'd have a little excitement when a businessman would have a little too much and I'd have to pick him off the floor and drag him back to his room. Being that the job itself, save for a few times, is rather boring and routine, after work I will usually go to the gym and work out. One of the perks of working for a fancy hotel is free access to the gym, of course the head honchos prefer us not to mention to the guests that we're workers, rich people get funny if they find out they have to share a space with "the help."
One morning I was working out my frustrations by kicking a punching bag. Ever since I broke my wrist skateboarding, I still have pain when I make a fist or punch something, so I kick things instead. I looked up online how to "properly" kick things so I wouldn't break my ankle, but by no means am I some kind of martial arts expert. Anyway, I was kicking this bag, and this dude comes up to me, and he says "You're very good!" I wasn't sure if he was just trying to be polite, or maybe he was hitting on me, who knows. As a joke, I sarcastically said, "yeah, I've won Olympic Medals for doing this. I'm a reeeaaaal professional."
Right then his eye brows perked up and he asked me if I held classes. What? Dude, seriously? Is he for real? Did he miss my obvious sarcasm? So I decided to keep it going, and told this guy that I only give private trainings.
"I must hire you! Cancel all your other clients and train me exclusively. I'll make it worth your while, I'm Christian Grey, and I want to own you."
The fuck? own me...this dude is weird. Is this how he talks to everyone? Fuck him.
"No, I'm pretty happy doing what I'm doing" I said, trying to find a way out of my lies and his stupidity.
"What is your name?" He asks me, and again, I stumble to find a way out, so I make up the name of Claude Bastille. It sounds like the name of a foreign kickboxing expert that a rich white guy like him would be comfortable with.
"Claude, I will pay $8,000 a session, three sessions a week. I must know how to kickbox like an Olympian"
24 grand a week to kick this guy? I think I can keep up my charade for this moron.
So that is I got the job of being the "Personal Kickboxing Trainer" for the colossally dense Christian Grey.
I'm rolling right now, you're awesome at this! XD
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Sequel
Jun 19, 2015 1:28:11 GMT
Post by muskratthemink on Jun 19, 2015 1:28:11 GMT
I would love to see (or perhaps I can write) a series of stories based on the viewpoints of all the random side characters that are supposedly all jealous of Chedward and Ana's glorious love. Like the Restaurant Waitress that Ana harbors so much hate for because she looked at Christian while waiting on them... It's almost the end of my shift when they walk in. Shelly, the Hostess and I share the quick glance of "ugh" and she quickly turns to face him with a big fake smile. It's that Grey asshole, the one that we all dread seeing come in, because he is every server's worst nightmare. He insists on having the stupidist things; an 8 ounce glass of some kind of fancy imported water with 3 ice cubes in it, so of course we give him some dasani with 3 ice cubes and charge him twice. He never looks at a menu and just orders random shit, usually things that don't really exist, he just strings together some fancy food words to sound like a dish. Last month he ordered kobe chicken tartare with a side of roasted kale infused with truffle oil, unfortunately we couldn't poison him, so the chef had me go to the market and get those perdue precooked chicken strips and he microwaved those up, slopped some boiled spinach on the side, and we charged him $250. Then to top it all off he never tips. At all. Ever. He could be bringing in his business buddies and spend thousands of dollars, and he makes sure to put a big fat zero in the tip portion of the bill. Now you wonder why we overcharge him? Ugh, and he's back again, and with a date no less, it will probably make him more insufferable if he feels he needs to show off how important he is. I drew the short straw and Shelly seats them in my area and gives me a quiet "sorry" as we pass by each other. I take a deep breath, put on the biggest, fakest most painful smile I can and head over to the table. "Good evening! Would you like to see the wine list?" I ask, knowing that he won't bother to look at it. "That won't be necessary, We'll each have a glass of the Pinot Merlot Chardonnay, vintage please, nothing from this century, I have a refined taste." That doesn't even exist, ugh, I hate this guy. His date must be pretty naive because she's just sitting there all smiles and giggles. I try to stiffle back my own laughter at his wine order, and give him some happy waitress platitudes, because even if this piece of shit doesn't tip, we charge him enough to make up and he doesn't seem to care. We may hate him, but his money is still green and we just gotta deal with it. When I come back with their vintage pinot whatever (Costco box wine mixed with grape juice), his date is shooting me the evilest look. Shit! Is she on to me? is she on to us? Did she figure out that we're fleecing this rich guy because he's an asshole? Shit shit shit. I collect myself and ask if they are ready to order. He gives his ridiculous order, today he wants beef done in an impossible way; I guess someone is making a trip to Burger King. Then this douchecanoe orders for her, of course it's a salad for her. Fuck this guy, ugh, he's the worst. Meanwhile she keeps giving me dirty looks and makes a point to put her hands on him and kiss his cheek. Oh man, is she jealous of me? Does she really think this guy is such a fucking catch? Damn, that poor girl, she can keep him and his overblown sense of self importance. Oh, my God that's freaking perfect. Maybe there could be a new thread entirely for shorts like this. Maybe it could be some kind of forum-wide project.
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Post by muskratthemink on Jun 14, 2015 22:20:41 GMT
My mom and I went to Wal-Mart while we were visiting family in NY, and what should I see in the best seller's section but these terrible excuses for books. I also saw McGuire's books, but that's a whole different pile of slop. And as much as I hate the idea of theft, I don't feel any sympathy for that witch. In my opinion this is just the start of what she deserves for her garbage polluting the writing world.
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Post by muskratthemink on Jun 4, 2015 22:49:31 GMT
I've lived with cats since before I was born, but I feel like there's something wrong with one of the furballs I have now. Specifically this guy: That's Oliver, or Fat Cat as we call him. Anyway, recently he's started licking me when he wants me to pet him. If I don't start right away he bites me. The thing is, usually when I am petting him, he'll pull away to lick and then bite me again. I have to actually push at him to get him to stop, but it takes a few tries. Then he lies down next to me and as soon I sit up or move again he's right back at it. What is going on with this cat?
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Post by muskratthemink on Jun 4, 2015 2:55:53 GMT
Why do books come out in hardback first? I didn't even realize it until I went to get the last book of a series I like. It had just been released and they told me it wouldn't be out in paperback for another six months. What's the point of that? Money. They're counting on the people who really want the book to pay a premium for the most expensive edition. Then they entice the less enthusiastic with a cheaper version. Can't believe I didn't figure that out before now. Big companies will do pretty much anything to get the most money they can.
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Sequel
Jun 4, 2015 1:31:27 GMT
Post by muskratthemink on Jun 4, 2015 1:31:27 GMT
I noticed something unusual whilst taking pre-orders for this drivel. The RRP of it is only £7.99 (Which is halved to £3.99 if you pre-order by paying £2 (Which is then deducted, meaning you pay £1.99 when you get it)) which is standard price for paperbacks. But normally books, especially ones this popular, come out as hardbacks first. Are they just skipping the hardback phase entirely? Why do books come out in hardback first? I didn't even realize it until I went to get the last book of a series I like. It had just been released and they told me it wouldn't be out in paperback for another six months. What's the point of that?
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Sequel
Jun 2, 2015 14:33:19 GMT
Post by muskratthemink on Jun 2, 2015 14:33:19 GMT
So, what do we reckon? Is she going to try and clean him up and make him palatable? Is it going to try and eliminate and/or explain away as acceptable all the characteristics and traits that so many of us found obnoxious and downright dangerous? Or is she going to ignore us and plod on regardless in the same vein as the Christian POV chapter in the trilogy? At least we won't have to wait long to find out. I just have to figure out how to read it without paying for it. No way am I giving another penny to her. Something tells me it's going to be even harder to stomach because we'll be in Creepazoid's head instead of Ana's. Makes me shudder just thinking about it...
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Post by muskratthemink on Jun 2, 2015 3:11:12 GMT
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Sequel
Jun 1, 2015 21:44:21 GMT
Post by muskratthemink on Jun 1, 2015 21:44:21 GMT
Damn it all, that's just what we need. How much you guys wanna bet this one will make it to the big screen, too? And it comes out the day after my birthday. Talk about missing it by an inch. "Christian is a complex character." Please, any character she comes up with is about as complex as a blank piece of paper.
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Post by muskratthemink on Jun 1, 2015 11:37:01 GMT
My mum is very reserved when it comes to body related stuff, so I believe this story of hers 100%. When we were kids, my older brother was really into birdwatching in a big way. Early one Sunday morning when he was about 6 he saw something unusual in the garden and burst straight into our parents' room where they were, er, still in bed. Y'know. And as my mum scrambled to pull the covers up over her bare chest, my brother proudly announced, "I've just seen two great tits!" Oh, God! Bet he had to clarify that one!
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Post by muskratthemink on May 31, 2015 3:28:14 GMT
Anyone else ever wonder why "Backyard", "backseat" and so forth are all one word, yet "front yard", "front seat" etc. are all two words? This has bugged me to no end and I can't find anything that actually answers my question. :/
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Post by muskratthemink on May 28, 2015 9:06:57 GMT
You're right, that makes way too much sense. It would not surprise me at all if she's as much like Christian as you're saying. It also wouldn't surprise me if her husband, or someone else under her control, was the inspiration for Ana.
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Post by muskratthemink on May 24, 2015 20:30:14 GMT
How about "sneaked" being the correct past tense instead of "snuck"? The first one sounds like something a five-year-old would say. Well, "sneaked" IS the correct past tense. "Snuck" is American slang. I know, I'm just saying it sounds kind of ridiculous.
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Post by muskratthemink on May 24, 2015 15:25:13 GMT
How about "sneaked" being the correct past tense instead of "snuck"? The first one sounds like something a five-year-old would say.
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Post by muskratthemink on May 23, 2015 13:30:05 GMT
Yeah I read that. I also read that the "camp" they sent him to was really just a friend of the family. And wasn't really a camp. Amongst other things that were equally disturbing. The "camp" story changes depends on who is talking. Some say it was a "hard labor camp" others say it was just him chilling with some other family for a while. I had to have a moment of deep cleansing breaths when a coworker was all upset that people were "being so mean to Josh online" because "kids will be kids" She went on and on about how Poor Josh is just so misunderstood and people were attacking him because of his religion and the family is so wholesome that they had to make stuff up to make them look bad. Somehow his "admission" was being misinterpreted by everyone, and no one read his statement (except for apparently her), because if they did they would have seen that he didn't do anything wrong. Which shouldn't surprise me because a couple weeks ago I wanted to jam my "Red Pen of Pain" in her eye after her talking about 50 Shades. I'm just hoping this will finally get the show cancelled. There shouldn't have been a show about them in the first place.
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